Emotion: a
conscious mental reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually
directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological
and behavioral changes in the body.
I would like to take a moment to try and explain the multitude
of emotions that I have experienced here in Mozambique. I know in some of my
blogs I have touched upon feeling lonely, angry, frustrated, anxious, happy,
and sad. I do not know if I have expressed that all of these intense emotions
can happen in a very short time span, leaving you so exhausted that you don't
want to move from bed or care about a day just passing by.
To regress our time frame a bit, I left training in Namaacha
in a great mood, the new volunteers are very ambitious and a have great motivation.
Talking with them helped me realize how far I had come in a year, made me
consider extending my contract, and left me so happy for this next year of
unknown adventures. I came back to site in the midst of planning for this
workshop. After the REDES workshop ended, there was such a feeling of relief
that it was finally OVER. This overwhelming weekend that had me in such a panic
state of stress the week leading up to it trying to get everything done.
Within this week of feeling so stressed out, I also reached
a state of panic that not everything would get done, combined with anger (the
bakery man refused to sell me bread unless I dated him) at how ridiculous this
culture can be. Knowing fully well, that no matter how hard we work to try and
create something nice- someone will always have something negative to say.
The weekend passed leaving me more exhausted than before.
All of the hard work was finally over, it was my birthday, lets celebrate!
Celebration here, means a few close friends and some wine- which is actually
how I prefer it. I prefer having one on one conversation, and spending time
with people I truly care about. During this time, we had some very great talks
about our work and about some things happening in our lives here –but I feel something
was lacking. And I feel this way often when having conversations with PCV’s –
nothing against us as conversationalists. . . its just that we live in a bubble
here. There isn’t really any outside stimuli or culture besides Mozambique. In
the states, you could go to a museum, a play, a poetry slam, the Rocky Horror
Picture Show. . . anything really. Its all at your disposal- a range of
cultural options to expand your mind. Here, we have our work, and our
interpersonal drama/relationships. There is no discussing the latest news
article, or how our favorite sports team is doing. So while the conversations
are great, I feel it always is lacking something, or is never fully there.
So there we were, sipping wine, hanging out, just relaxing
from the weekend. I was celebrating my 24th birthday, which brought
to mind the crazy notion that the entire 23rd year of my life was
spent in Africa. 22 wasn't the best of years for me, there were a lot of up’s
and down’s and even more unknown going into Peace Corps. I remember turning 23
in training with my new volunteer friends. Sitting there, overlooking my lagoon
I had to stop and think about how far I have come in this year. How many
emotions I had run through, the good times, the very bad times, and all of the
others in between- and the fact that I have experienced them, for the majority,
on my own. Yes fellow PCV’s are always here to help and to talk to, and vice
versa- but the majority of my experiences here are solitary. This past year has
really taught me to be self-reliant, and to deal with the horde of emotions
that accompany this life journey.
The final emotion that I would like to touch upon is that of
uncertainty. Not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, not knowing what
news you may get from home (be it good or bad) that just reminds you that life
moves on, even if you are not there. I oftentimes feel that I am missing out on
my life, not being at home with my friends and family. This is a variation of
homesickness, brought upon by big life changes that many of my friends are
going through- and looking at it all through a computer screen, via a social
media page or whatever. These alterations remind me of just how far away I am,
how I am powerless to do anything to celebrate, comfort, or experience these
joys and losses with the people in my life.
I am so very far away.
Know that I think of many of you often throughout my day,
and wish that I could be at home with you, but at the same time, wish more than
anything that you could come here and see how fantastically frustrating, how
wonderfully absurd, how delightfully silly, this beautiful country is.
xoxo
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